Yukari is a fine gentleman
by William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Summary: Enough said. Rated T for being too gentlemanly for a younger audience.
1. Yukari is a fine gentleman

**Disclaimer: This may be too gentlemanly for the average FanFiction user's brain. Be warned.**

One day, Yukari was deciding what verb that was a synonym to 'run' she would use that day. Suddenly, Reimu appeared and did a thing.

"Why did you do such a thing?" said Yukari.

"Because I am the finest gentleman/gentlewoman!" said Reimu.

"Hah! Please. Your left nostril is less surperior than mine, proving I am finer!" said Yukari.

"Funny, I was going to say that about your left nostril! And it so happens to be 'inferior', not 'less surperior'!"

"You unrefined _dog._ Broil yourself in the heat of a thousand suns!"

"Shame upon that statement! You are truly unrefined, you unrefined person you."

"How dare you pour such insults upon me! Be sure to drink your ovaltine, convinence store shopper gap hag!"

"How dare you call me a hag! I'll have you know my age is a gentlemanly 17! I am in fact of a younger age than you, armpit miko!"

"If I were to believe that, then it would be Suwako's Meme Time! Is it Suwako's Meme Time? It is not. Therefore your previous statement is false!"

Yukari and Reimu stared at each other through their monocles. The brims of their top hats were almost touching, their glares were so close to each other.

"I challenge you to a Gentleman's Duel!" screamed Yukari.

"What?" said Reimu. "That's impossible! We do not have a time warp realm in our possesion for the legendary duel!"

"Please! I could knock your hat off within 3 seconds, even without an advantage! I could do that with a dis-dis-disadvantage!"

"Bugger you and your darkmeal!" Reimu said. "I could do it without my golden monocle that is in my possesion!"

Yukari made a swipe at Reimu's hat, but she reacted quickly enough to dash behind Yukari, who gapped behind Reimu, and grabbed her hat.

"Woe is me! I have been defeated. Truly, you are the finer gentleman," Reimu said.

" _Ficus carica_ is an an Asian species of flowering plant, also known as the 'Fig' or 'common Fig'. These trees are widely sought out by collectors, and you, my friend, owe me three." said Yukari.

"I am truly saddened by this turn of events. To owe such a gentleman as you three ficuses... My life is no longer worth living."

Then Reimu exploded.

 **THE END.**

By the way, Yukari never got her ficuses. She did get some begonias from Youmu as a consolation prize of sorts.

 **TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE BATTLE BETWEEN GENTLEMAN YUKARI AND RUFFIAN CIRNO!**


	2. Yukari is an exceedingly fine gentleman

**YUKARI IS A FINE GENTLEMAN- CHAPTER TWO**  
 **CIRNO THE RUFFIAN**

Yukari flew over the wonderful gentlemanly land of Gensokyo. She was now the gentleman in charge of this wonderful land, because of Sir Reimu challenging her earlier and losing.

"Oi! You! Guv'ner!" a voice said from below. "Watch where yer shadow's bein' cast, eh?"

"Why, your voice sounds so unrefined! I dare say you might be a ruffian after my lofty title!" said Yukari. She swooped down to the voice and found Cirno, who's hat was an ascot cap, clearly showing her status as a ruffian.

"I don' even wanna bother with a posh higher-up like ye," said Cirno. "But if ye insult the strongest, yer gonna get beat inta pieces."

"Bring it on, you ruffian. I doubt a peasant like you could even use danmaku."

"Danmaku?" said Cirno. "Na, I'm no' talkin' danmaku. I'm talkin 'bout one of the finest sports. KICK THE CAN... TO THE DEATH!"

Yukari gasped in fright. Kick the can is the least gentlemanly sport in all the land. "Are you too _stupid_ to use danmaku?" Yukari said. "It seems I have ventured into a sanatorium or a lower elementary school!"

"How dare ye..." said Cirno. "I'll have ye know I'm the best at errything! I'mna beat you at danmaku and shame yer gentlemanly title!"

"Hah! I am laughing out loud at your incompetence. I do believe it is time for hacks." Yukari gapped in a train over Cirno's head, flattening her.

"Goodbye, young ruffian. Hopefully you will never grow up... _because you're FLAT!_ "

And Yukari laughed and laughed at her astoundingly funny joke.

 **THE CONCUSION**

 **TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE EPIC BATTLE AGAINST THE GOD OF RUFFIAN-NESS!**


	3. Yukari is the finest of gentlemen

Yukari smiled. The defeat of the horrible ruffian Cirno had left her happy, almost giddy. She decided that today was the day to finally host a party that would be remembered for ages. A gentlemanly party, of course. Anything else would be unspeakable. She set about writing the invitations, and chose to invite the most gentlemanly people she knew.

Only a few hours later, the first guest arrived in the ballroom.

"Oh, hello, Aya. I do hope you will be able to find some material for your newspaper while at this party," Yukari said. Aya may not be the most gentlemanly, but she always had interesting stories to keep people entertained.

"Ah, yes. I was in fact just finishing up my writing about your defeat of Cirno when I got your invitation. It truly was a battle for the ages."

"Indeed, indeed. You are the first guest to arrive, so make yourself at home. We have some interesting records of incidents that occured in Gensokyo, with a few finer details not found elsewhere. Feel free to read them."

"Why, thank you, Yukari. Truly you know what I desire."

Yukari led her to the bookshelf, which was highly polished and was maintained by Yukari's fine servants, Ran Yakumo and Chen Yakumo. They were almost as gentlemanly as Yukari herself, which reflected well upon the Yakumo family.

A few minutes later, more guests arrived. Yukari greeted all of them, and eventually the room was full of gentlemen, chatting about their business. But the door burst open.

Hina stood in the door, wearing her finest (and frilliest) dress. She had tears in her eyes. The room fell silent.

"Why... why did you forget me... I am a fine enough gentleman... But even _AYA_ was invited and you forgot _me?_ "

"You _are_ wearing a dress," pointed out Nitori. "I envy you, really. But in the weapons business, you have to wear suits _all_ the time..."

Hina began to cry. "I curse all of you! MAY THE RUFFIANS GET YOU!"

The entire room gasped, except for Hata no Kokoro (the Professor of Gensokyan Cultural Studies), who began to take notes.

Hina dashed out of the hall, and ran out into the forest.

"I feel bad for her, sometimes..." said Chen, who was serving drinks to Yukari. "She just radiates misfortune.

Yukari stayed silent. If _Hina_ had cursed them... 

Eventually, the party moved outside to watch the sunset. Time passed, and then the moon rose. Incidentally, it was a harvest moon. The gentlemen noticed this event, and clapped. It was indeed rare.

But a shout was heard from the forest.

Yukari rose from her seat. "It can't be..."

Minoriko rose from the forest and said, "Yes it can! Speakin' of _can..._ "

"No..." said Nitori. "It's the god of ruffians and farmers!" Nitori pulled out a cellular phone. "Ready the Powerful Youkai Warhead," she said into it. "Detonate at the sight of yams."

"Y'all are about to be _canned!_ " said Minoriko, who kicked exactly 80 cans at the party. They dodged easily.

Yukari floated up towards her. "Did you really think you could take us by yourself? There's many more gentlemen here than ruffians."

"Oh, yeah... I thout of tha'..." Minoriko said. A crowd of ruffians floated up behind her, in a line.

"Before you and your hordes attack, realize your formation!" said Yukari, who gapped in a train, running over all of the ruffians.

Minoriko exploded into yams, which attempted to fly away, screaming "I'll be back!"

"Not so fast!" said Nitori. "LAUNCH THE POWERFUL YOUKAI WARHEAD!"

A giant statue of Nitori on rocket boosters flew towards the yams. Judging by its direction, it came from Youkai Mountain. Upon contact with the yams, it detonated.

And so, the party was saved by Yukari and Nitori, who had a wonderful dinner of steak and roast yams.

 **TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR YUKARI'S NEXT CHALLENGE FOR HER GENTLEMANSHIP!**


	4. Yukari is an infinitely fine gentleman

Yukari sat in her lavish armchair, sipping her Tieguanyin tea, when Ran entered the room.

"My lady, it is time for the economical reports. Remember? You asked for this yesterday?"

"Ah, correct, Ran. Thank you," Yukari said.

"The gold mines are producing more than ever, and making more than ever. They supposedly found some youkai that has the ability to detect metals, and we've hired them, leading to better output. Then there's the space program branch. Unfortunately the Lunarians stopped one of our prototypes mid-flight. Luckily, we were able to recover it with no damages to the vehicle."

"All good news, Ran."

"Well... I saved the worst for last... You see, our energy industry has been steadily declining the past month. It seems nobody's getting their electricity from there, but I don't really know where else they'd get it. I suggest that you should go and inquire about the nature of this problem at the nearest oil rig."

"Indeed. This could shape up to be a major issue."

Yukari stood up, quickly drank the rest of her tea, and opened the window of her mansion.

"Oh! My lady! Before you go, remember the recent ruffian infestation by the forest? You should watch out for that!"

"All right. I have three trains readied for gapping, so I think I'll be fine."

Yukari flew out the window over the forest. She flew for around ten minutes, until the oil rig was in sight, when a giant plume of fire enveloped it! It burned down so quickly, Yukari couldn't gap in any water to put it out.

"This is suspicious... I wonder if MFY (Mokou's Fried Yakitori) has a hand in this..." Yukari sniffed the air and caught a whiff of what smelled like fried chicken. "Yes, definitely. My next destination is the Bamboo Forest of the Lost."

Yukari opened a gap, because of the long distance, and shouted, "Mokou! Get over here!"

"No..." Mokou said, flying down from the top of MFY headquarters. "Yukari of the Yakumo Group! You're here to purchase my company, aren't you?"

"Hmm, that's not a bad idea. But no, I have a dispute with you burning down my oil rig!"

"Me? Never! If I incurred your wrath, I wouldn't _have_ a company!"

"Then why did I smell grilled chicken when my oil rig was burned?"

"What? Really? No, it can't be... Take me to the site of the crime. I have a nose that can tell what sort of bird was grilled."

"If it is _your_ chicken, then I will purchase your company and replace you as CEO with Cirno!"

"All right! All right!" Mokou said. "Just take me over there!"

Yukari gapped both of them there. Luckily, the smell was still lingering.

"Oh..." said Mokou. "This is bad."

"What is?" Yukari asked.

"That's not _grilled_ bird at all- that's the smell of the Yatagarasu. Meaning... Utsuho was here."

"Utsuho? Leader of the Yatagarasu Energy Corporation? Never! They went out of business because of the Yakumo Group years ago!"

"Well... I wouldn't be surprised if they've finally managed to stabilize a tokamak."

"A tokamak? You mean... they've achieved nuclear fusion? Combining that with fission means..."

"That's right. Infinite, huge amounts of green energy. And _that_ could put even the Yakumo Group's financial standings at risk."

"This means..."

"That's right. You must challenge Utsuho, the former Gentleman's Danmaku champion before she founded the Yatagarasu Corp. to a duel of danmaku. And likely all of her employees, as well."

"But with that much energy, couldn't they convert it to magic and infuse an item with it to become so powerful that nobody could beat them?"

"That's right..."

"I might have to sneak in and infuse my parasol, before they can do anything."

"You're almost certainly right. With your natural power and the magic power of nuclear fusion, you could easily defeat Utsuho. But first..." Mokou sighed. "You owe me fifty yen. Hand it over."

"Ah, yes. That bet we made two years ago that I'd have to pay you that if I ever talked to you again." Yukari pulled out her wallet, and pulled out a five-hundred-thousand yen bill. "Will this cover it?"

"More than enough." Mokou took the bill.

"Ah, good. I usually only carry small change, so I was worried that wouldn't work."

Mokou stared at her blankly for three seconds, then sighed. "Well, whatever. If you need any more help, or want to give me more money, just ring me up, all right?"

"All right." Yukari said. She began formulating her plan to defeat Utsuho.


	5. Yukari is the finest one in the universe

Yukari gapped herself to the back of the new Yatagarasu Energy Corporation building. "I knew it..." Yukari said. "Utsuho is back, and more powerful than ever."

"Y-y..." A voice said from behind her. "Y-Yukari?"

Yukari immediately recognized the voice. "Chen? What are you doing here?"

"Look behind you..."

Yukari looked, and saw Chen and Ran in a cage.

"What?" Yukari said. "What happened?"

"My lady... we should have realized what would happened if you left the estate with our rivals on the loose. When we went to the tea supply room to brew some tea, Utsuho's minions captured us and put us here. It's very cold in here..." Ran sighed. "We perservered, though, knowing you would come eventually."

Yukari opened a gap to where she was in the cage. "Come on, get out of there. We need to take down Utsuho, and I have a plan to do it... and it just got better."

Chen looked confused. "Yukari, what is your plan?"

"I found out that the reactors are in the back of the compound here. I'll charge up my parasol with the energy it emits via one of my gaps, defeat Utsuho and protect my place as the finest gentleman!"

Chen clapped. "I think this is a great idea!"

"I'm not so sure, my lady," Ran said. "After all, it's quite possible Utsuho just wanted Chen but took me too..."

"Quite possibly. I shal inquire about it before I challenge Utsuho."

"What? What about me?" Chen said.

"Nobody cares about you, as a person rather than an object in their collection," Ran said. "But don't worry, Chen. I'll always care about you."

"R-Ran..." Chen said with tears in her eyes.

"Just kidding! No, people just love catgirls. But I'll always have no opinion about you, Chen."

"R-Ran... why are you so kind to me?" Chen began to cry.

"In any scenario, let us go to defeat Utsuho!" Yukari said.

"All right!" Ran and Chen cheered. They entered the back door, and a cat in the alley watched them leave, before transforming back into Rin .

"Okuu's not going to like this..." Rin said. "I'd better tell her, though. She loves defeating her challengers."

Yukari looked around in the darkness. "Well..." she said. "I suppose my plan would work better on paper (with gold trimming) than in life. I never realized it'd be this dark."

The reactors around her hummed with energy, and she sighed. "Good thing I'm only gapping my parasol into one of those things briefly. She opened the gap, stuck her parasol in, and then brought it out. It was on fire.

"And my informant was not very reliable, either..." Yukari thought. "I am surprised Mokou was as correct as she was, for being the owner of a fast food chain talking about nuclear reactors."

Ran stared at the reactor for a second, and then sighed. "My lady, this is just like the water heater we have at home. It's the _output_ we're after, the pure energy, unless I'm mistaken, and the pipe for that is right here," Ran said, pointing at a pipe coming from the top of the reactor into the ceiling.

"Why, thank you! Your store of practical knowledge is as handy as ever."

"Don't mention it." Yukari put out the fire on her parasol and gapped it into the output pipe instead. It came out glowing with energy.

"YOU!" A voice said from above. "YOU I will never forget!"

"Oh, hello, Mamizou. How's the brewery going?" Yukari asked.

"I am not a tanuki disgrace!" Utsuho floated down from above. "I am the leader of the new green energy movement!"

"Mamizou, the color of the control rod is wrong, the ribbon is _green,_ not red, and Utsuho does not ever wear glasses. _Ever._ "

"Darn it." What appeared to be Utsuho dissapeared in a cloud of smoke and reappeared as Mamizou. "You're getting good."

"Why would you pretend to be Utsuho?"

"Well, she's too busy to take your challenge right away, so she paid me a bit to go waste your time. She'll be ready in a few minutes though."

"She knows we're here?"

"Utsuho knows _all._ "

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...ALL! She also pays me extra money!"

"..."

"Okay, fine. Rin can transform into a cat and she probably saw you somewhere."

"Oh." Yukari sighed. "Yet she's letting me use the reactor?"

"She knows ALL!"

"Really?"

"Okay, fine. She said that even with the power, you won't stand a chance against her supremely honed skills."

"Take me to her!"

"All right, all right. Hold your... fox? Cat, maybe?... no, horses!"

"Lady Yukari. I strongly advise against this. You're playing right into Utsuho's hands."

"I refuse to stop! She burned down Rig One, and I'm going to burn her reputation!"

"Well, if she burned Rig One... _and_ you insist..." Ran sighed. "Well, I'll stay with Chen so she doesn't do something crazy. You go ahead."

"R-Ran..." Chen said with tears in her eyes. "Why do you take such good care of me?"

"I have no idea, you ungrateful spoiled catgirl! You're a disgrase to the Yakumo Group!" Ran shouted.

"YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, RAN!" Chen shouted, clinging to Ran's legs.

Ran had an explosive nosebleed then said, "Okay, okay. Stop shouting so Lady Yukari can finish her business."

Mamizou led Yukari into what appeared to be a darkened gigantic reactor. "Wait here. Utsuho will arrive in a couple of minutes," Mamizou said before stepping out of the door, which closed behind her.

Yukari used her parasol, glowing with energy, as a torch to light up the area. She couldn't see very well as most of the energy had been absorbed into the parasol by then, but the general area seemed like two half-circles that had been separated with a bridge put in between them. Yukari assumed she'd start on the one she was standin on then, and Utsuho on the other.

 _Clever..._ Yukari thought. _She'll be able to get power as we fight, this way, because she invented these machines, and knows more than even Ran._

"There you are!" Utsuho said from the other side of the arena. "Now, I officially challenge you..."

 _It's time to get ready..._ Yukari thought, opening gaps with danmaku ready on the other side for when Utsuho was finished with the official challenge.

"TO A BATTLE OF KARAOKE!"

Yukari closed her gaps in surprise. "What?" she asked.

"I have invented a sport where the only thing that matters is your skill with the microphone! It's a true gentleman's duel, without such brutish methods as actual battle."

"The beauty of danmaku is an _art!_ " Yukari shouted. "Why would we do _this_?"

"Just watch..." Utsuho said. A spotlight came on from above, and Utsuho began to sing and dance.

It was amazing. Yukari couldn't stop looking. When she was on her stage, she (literally, her control rod began to glow) illuminated the stage. When she was finished, Yukari clapped.

"So!" Utsuho said. "Do you finally aknowledge my surperiority when it comes to mental sport?"

"No." Yukari said. "You should just _sing_ for a living, honestly. It'd be more profitable. You would draw quite the crowd of not just gentlemen, but pretty much anything _between_ a gentleman and a ruffian."

"W-what?" Utsuho said, blushing. "I mean, I'd love to, but my company..."

"Don't worry about your company. I could easily have bought it if I didn't want to challenge you."

"WHAT?" Utsuho shouted. "You got _that_ rich?"

"After I took you down last time, business heated up significantly for me. So yes, I am that rich."

"Well... I don't want to give up my company..." Utsuho paused. "How much are you willing to pay?"

 **THREE DAYS LATER**

"AAAAARGH!" Nitori shouted, stomping on some bubble wrap left over from one of Yukari's recently delivered packages with all her might, making a sound best described as similar to an earthquake. "How did she _know_ I was going to try to open a music division? HOW?"

Yukari sipped her tea. "Well, it's possible that she didn't know. She just has a sort of talent."

"AAARGH!" Nitori shouted. "Even _ruffians_ look up to her like a god! AND I HEARD CHEN'S BECOME A FAN! AND HINA! AND... AND... AAAARGH! What's her job title, anyways!" Nitori stomped on the bubble wrap again, popping at least 10 bubbles.

"Just for that, I think I shall call them 'pop idols'." Yukari smirked.

"DANG IT, YUKARI! Were all the chapters before this leading up to that terrible pun?"

"Yes." And Yukari laughed and laughed.

 **THE END.**

 _A/N: I may write a sequel to this at some point. Unfortunately, I have a few projects I consider more important as of right now. For reading all this way, I grant unto you... a likely schedule for the next week!_

Tuesday, October 27th, 2015: Begin "Sharknado VS. Bearicane"

Wednesday: Finish "Sharknado VS. Bearicane".

Thursday: Have a brainstorming session for interesting ideas.

Friday: Write previously mentioned interesting ideas, presumably one involving a salmon-related incident in Gensokyo.

Weekends: Be lazy


	6. Nitori is a very rich man

**1 year after Yukari's awful pun, the level of technology in Gensokyo increased dramatically through Nitori's competition with Utsuho, where both Nitori and Utsuho aimed to make technological developments. Aside from making average Gensokyan life a little more technological, nothing really happened. Their competition was a stalemate, up until Nitori decided to make a risky decision...**

Nitori glanced at one of her computer's screens. Utsuho's popularity as a 'pop idol', as Yukari had christened them, had risen. And because of Nitori's previous public statement about how they were earning too much money from just singing, a lot of new fans had been attracted.

 _Dang it!_ Nitori thought. _If only there was some way to stop her._..

A video of Utsuho's last performance ended on a seperate screen, ending with her signature pose. Nitori's face began to become quite angry. I

"AAARGH!" Nitori shouted, as she hit ALT-F4 on her keyboard, closing the window with Utsuho's face on it.

"N-Nitori? Are you all right?" Hina said, looking in the door. "You haven't seemed quite right since Utsuho rose to popularity..."

"And there's a reason for that, Hina. Why else do you think I've had you remove my misfortune twice this week?"

"W-well, you have a lot of misfortune..." Hina sighed.

"BECAUSE OF UTSUHO! EVEN YOUR POWERS CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH BUT I CANNOT COMBAT _HER!_ THE KAWASHIRO CORPORATION'S MUSIC SALES ARE DOWN FIFTY PERCENT! EVEN THE _TOOTHBRUSHES_ THAT WE SOLD THAT PLAYED MUSIC AREN'T SELLING, BECAUSE UTSUHO'S MADE HER OWN! SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A COMPANY!"

The newsfeed on Nitori's computer blinked, and she glanced at it briefly, before becoming so filled with rage she began to breathe so heavily Hina could feel it bouncing off of the walls onto her.

"She has a company now..." Hina said. "I thought you'd want to know... that's why I came here"

"THAT IS A LOAD OF-"

"Nitori! Calm down!" Hina said, as loud as her lungs could. "Look, I'm sorry, but there's nothing really we can do...

"There _is._ There is something we can do." Nitori glanced around, and said, "We're going to start trade with the Lunarians, get their tech, and use it to give us better sound quality than Utsuho."

"But... Nitori! They're the _Lunarians!_ They hate all life that isn't... well, them!"

"True... But if we were to broadcast a signal with that thing from Kourindou that's harmful to their sensitive ears if they _didn't_ agree..."

"Their weapons are so powerful, we'd die in seconds!"

"You may have a point..." Nitori sighed. "Ah, well... But the idea of sound-related weapons... _That's_ a good concept. And I think it'd be simple enough to blame the damage on Utsuho."

"Nitori..." Hina's eyes began to tear up. "Just move on! You've gone crazy or something!"

"I have no misfortune left. What could go wrong?"

 _As Nitori began her design phase of her new missile, Yukari was checking the business reports._

"And Utsuho... We figured you'd want to know about her as well, my lady, so I asked her if I could have them. She willingly agreed, and it looks like she's decided not to sell stock this time around." Ran sighed. "So that ruins your plan."

"It is all right, Ran. It was simply a small scheme of mine. If she's doing good and still remembers who got her to the position she's in right now, we'll be fine. Also, close the stocks on all of our energy-related industries. Keep only the _current_ ones in the market"

"Ah, you're being wary, my lady."

"Yes. I do not want Utusho to suddenly have a 'brilliant idea' of buying the Yatagarasu Corp. back."

"R-Ran?" Chen said quietly from the door. "Sorry to intrude, but the water cooler's going nuts and I don't know how to fix it."

"Oh, that's very bad! When it spews walnuts, that means-" Ran said in a small moment of panic. "We need to go fix that! I apologize, my lady!" she shouted as she ran off.

Yukari sighed. "Ah, well." She picked up her issue of the Bunbunmaru, and looked around in it, noticing Utsuho had founded a music company with mild pleasure. "I would _love_ to see Nitori's face right now," she said to herself.

"YUKARIIIIIIII!" Nitori shouted, flying in through the open window. "UTSUHO'S GOT A COMPANY!"

"I win the bet, then! Hand over the money."

"SHUT UP! THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW!" Nitori shouted. "WE HAVE TO STOP HER!"

"From running her business?"

"No, actually. Do you want to know what she did once she heard about the editors of the Bunbunmaru going on a vacation? SHE SABOTAGED MY MUSIC DEPARTMENT!"

"Really?"

"I THINK THE FACT THAT IT WAS TOO RADIOACTIVE TO STEP IN FOR DAYS SUGGESTS THAT!"

"Seriously? Well, that's very ungentlemanly. I may need to have a word with her."

 _Yes! I managed to fool her!_ Nitori thought. _If Yukari gives me the A-OK on my plan to sabotage her back, I'm set!_

"But, I mean... Utsuho's not really in the class of gentleman. In the social pyramid, she's like a floating layer on the side trying to get in... even if the metaphor needs work. So our gentleman's rules don't apply. In fact," Yukari said, turning to Nitori, "You are fair game for her."

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Nitori shouted. Then she fell to her knees. "After... all of... she's been ruining my business... then she publicly defies me... it's _embarrasing_! Even if I run a weapons manufacturing business doesn't mean I'm an innocent girl at heart! Just because my weapons have made it to the Lunarians via Lunarian smugglers somehow and used in their wars, killing thousands of nations that refuse to fall under their rule doesn't mean I'm a bad girl!"

"N-Nitori!" Hina flew in from the window. "Here you are! Let's go home... don't let your rage eat away at you..."

"How did you find me?"

"That's not important, Nitori. Come on-"

"You took my GPS, didn't you."

"I-I would never!" Hina said. "Why would I do that?"

"To find me?"

"N-well, all right, I did."

"UNLEASH THE POWERFUL YOUKAI WARHEAD!" Nitori shouted.

"No, wait! If you do that, then-"

An explosion was heard. Ran ran (ha) in the room. Her head was covered in walnut shells. "Who..."

"It wasn't me!" Nitori shouted. "Hina did it, I swear!"

"Shot a missile..."

"NO, NO, NO! IT WASN'T ME!"

" **AT THE WATER BOILER?** "

"p...please don't hurt me..." Nitori whimpered.

And from that day forwards, Nitori learned the value of not shooting missiles at things. Unfortunately because of this her profits went down and her company became a subdivision of the Yakumo Group. But she still got to design missiles so she was all right.


	7. Sakuya is a brilliant detective

Sakuya wandered around the Scarlet Devil Mansion, cleaning. She stopped and sighed, wiping the sweat from her brow. Then she remembered another type of stopping she could do that would make it a bit easier.

 _0 seconds later_

"Ah, I'm finished with my duties for this afternoon," Sakuya said to herself. "I wonder what I should do next." She remembered about Meiling. "Ah, right! She's usually asleep by this time of day. I'd better go wake her up."

As she walked around to the gate, she noticed that somebody had placed a hat stand behind the gate. She dismissed it as probably one of Remilia's newest schemes to start British colonialism in Gensokyo, and continued until she saw Meiling... awake?

"China!" Sakuya shouted. "Why are you not asleep?"

"Because it's my job to stay awake?"

"No! This is wrong. There has to be a reason... and why is there a hat stand?"

"Why?"

"It's elementary, my dear China." Sakuya sighed. "Clearly, Remilia has planted a British flag upon Chinese turf. This is making you sad, hence you being awake. The hat stand is an attempt for Remilia to finally figure out what's in that hat and replace it with a British flag. Probably."

"I'm sorry, no."

"I need more information!"

"Ask Patchy or something, I don't know. Also, what's up with the accent?"

Sakuya sighed, stopped time, and dashed over into the library, pinning Patchouli's robes to the wall with knives. _I wonder what she means by an accent,_ Sakuya thought as she unfroze time.

"Hey! What was that for?" Patchouli shouted.

"It's elementary, my dear Patchy. Remilia is obviously jealous you did so well compared to her in the Touhou M-1 this year and planed a British flag in your brain to make you be a bad comedy partner next year!"

Remilia, who was behind Sakuya, sighed. "You haven't looked in the mirror since this morning, then? Here, I brought one."

Sakuya looked at her head. "It's perfectly fine. My skin is the correct colour, and-"

"And the accent? And the spelling? Look... up."

There was a British flag sticking out of Sakuya's head.

"Oh." Sakuya pulled it out and placed it on the table, accidentally completing a magical circuit Patchouli had been setting up, yet not finished due to its unstable nature, but the metal base of the tiny flag completing it had even further unstabled it. It began to glow before exploding.

"Well, that certainly blew my mind," Sakuya said. "Blew UP my mind. Heh."

"Ah, don't say that, Sakuya. It was enlightening." Remilia said with a smile. "Oh! That's a good one! I'm sending that to Mokou... let's see..." Remilia took out her phone. "Her e-mail adress is mokou-chan fire-fire-fire... no, wait..."

 **And as such, Mokou contracted a short-term disease from the awful pun and would have died if she wasn't immortal.**


	8. Kyoko is the punniest person alive

Kyoko woke up, and realized something important. She glanced at the sun.

"Well, that experience was enlightening," she said. Suddenly the shutters fell, breaking through the ropes Kyoko had tied them up in with its weight, smashing a spider that was crawling on her windowsil and blocking the sunlight.

"That got dark really fast," she said. She went to get breakfast, and noticed she'd emptied her box of corn flakes earlier.

"Dang it! This cereal is so crummy!" Kyoko shouted at the remaining shards of cereal. "And that last pun was corny. Honestly, most of my jokes are pretty flakey."

 **Meanwhile at the Scarlet Devil Mansion**

"Zombie Reimu! This is the last bolt of danmaku you'll ever see!" Remilia shouted, throwing Gugnir at Reimu's living corpse, vaporizing it.

"Fate-tality..." said Kyoko from behind the door.

"Stop it, Kyoko, and get out of my house!"

"But that pun was just fated to be."

 **Meanwhile at the Palanquin ship**

"Wow, this is a nice mansion! It looks like a horse!" Koishi shouted. "I wonder how Utsuho would like it? I don't know, since she's a horse."

Murasa sighed. "Please leave. Now."

"Leave... I like leaves! They're tasty. Like oranges! Did you know I like oranges?"

"Oh god... this is my life now isn't it. Just... I need someone to save me from this monster!"

"I don't know about _life,_ since you're a ghost!" Kyoko shouted in her ear.

"Kill me."

"I can't, you're already dead!"

 **Meanwhile at the Palace of the Earth Spirits**

Satori sat down on her couch and sighed. "Yet another tiring day of mind-reading," she said. She laid down. "It really drains me, and I can't stop..."

Kyoko walked by, and Satori's third eye turned to look at her, and Satori saw a glimpse into her mind.

Satori screamed, "NO! NO! I MUST FORGET I EVER SAW THAT! THAT HELL FILLED WITH PUNS! THE AGONY!" Her body began to stiffen, and she fainted.

"Well, you could say my mind was a bit too... hard for her to read. I really must rock. Granite you see that?" Kyoko said. She began to laugh evilly.

 **Meanwhile at MFY (Mokou's Fried Yakitori)**

"Now that we've begun to sell Moka-Cola, we need advertising. So, I've decided to pay for a bit of advertising space in Utsuho's concerts!" Mokou said to her employers. "This means we'll need to work harder for a little while. Oh, yes? You in the back? You have a question, right?"

"I just wanted to say..." Kyoko said from the crowd. "Now she really _is_ a **pop idol**." Kyoko began to laugh loudly in the most sinister way imaginable. Mokou's face lit up, as she felt the most pain she'd felt in years from that pun.

"You're that Kyoko person that always trespasses here, right?! Tell me more puns! I think those awful puns... I think they're the only thing that can actually kill me!"

"I would say yes, but I'd have to revive some of my puns. I'm not really on fire anymore, so my puns won't be as heated. Of course, I have a few jokes that are practically immortal, but those have become a little cold."

"I take that back. I hate my life even more now."

Kyoko smiled, seeing the other employees of MFC writhe in searing agony. "Well, I don't know. I think I'm pretty... PUNNY." She flew back to her house, as she didn't want to be around when the first person died.

 **THE END**


	9. Yukari is an impossibly fine gentleman

Yukari reclined in her chair. She'd heard about the miraculous recovery of Sanae's Hair Styling Co. and was considering purchasing it, when she heard an explosion.

Ran ran (I love doing that, you know) into the room. "Yukari! Chen's missing, and I found a note written in cheese that says 'if you want her back, send 500000 yen now!'"

"Really?" Yukari asked.

"Well, it really said 'we want teh muns, giv us 500000 muns or chen ded', but you know what I mean!"

"Hm... Send it to where, I wonder. It doesn't say, so that's not an option. I don't know anyone who spells like that, except... no, it can't be..."

"Yukari? Do you know who it is?"

"It's one of my enemies that I defeated long ago, after she did a thing. And I heard her zombified corpse was vaporized... meaning..."

"Meaning she's a ghost now?"

"Meaning she doesn't owe me three ficuses anymore! Debt doesn't apply to ghosts! That's it: I shall find her ghost and kill it!"

 **Meanwhile, in... well, somewhere**

"It's so dark..." Chen said. "Who... who would kidnap me?"

" _Hahahaha... You didn't expect you'd see me again, did you, little girl?_ " a ghostly voice said from the darkness around Chen's cage. A form floated forwards.

"No... it's impossible... you died!"

" _I didn't die, I merely... ahaha... left for a while._ "

"Where am I?"

" _You're in the Void of the Forgotten Ones. The place I was banished to upon my death, back when Yukari was just becoming a fine gentleman. And now, we just need Yukari to come here..._ "

 **Later, in the Scarlet Devil Mansion**

"Impossible!" Remilia said. "I _vapourised_ Zombie Reimu!"

"Ah, yes... I forgot about your British spelling. Anyhow, we've found this note." Yukari held up the ransom note.

"Oh. That's Reimu's writing for sure. But zombies can't become ghosts..."

"We might need to ignore that for a bit. Anyhow, where's Sakuya?"

"Over here," Sakuya said, suddenly appearing.

"We need your help with a bit of a mystery. Someone's kidnapped Chen and we need to rescue her." Yukari sighed. "We would just pay the trivial fee but it didn't say where to send it to, and paying a ransom never really works out in the end."

"A mystery... Well, the way I see it..."

"Yes?"

"From the writing I'd say it's Reimu for sure. But the issue here is the ink used. It's from the fruit of a _Mimus carica_ plant, which only grow in the Void of the Forgotten Ones. That means someone who's been forgotten by the beings that created the world up until recently has taken Chen there. And that means that in about day from now, you'll forget all about her, and she'll become one of the Forgotten Ones, because of the Void's power. And that raises another question: who is the littlest known person in Gensokyo? They would be the only one unnafected by the Void."

"Almost certainly Reimu. She died towards the beginning of Gensokyo's reformation into gentlemanliness, and was quickly forgotten about."

"Ah, yes. But... well, I suppose the Void is your best bet. You'll have to be in and out in... seventeen hours- no, wait. When was she taken?"

"This morning."

"What hour?"

"I saw the note at 7:00 AM," said Ran. "If that helps."

"You've got two hours. I'd leave now, if I were you."

"Thank you, Sakuya," Yukari said. "I shall leave upon this very moment." She gapped herself away. Ran sighed.

"She does this a lot," Ran said. "She gaps away without me... I'll just head home and continue fixing the boiler Nitori blew up." She flew away.

 **Inside the Void, twenty minutes later**

Chen shivered. She was feeling very weak, almost as if she was vanishing.

" _How does it feel? To be forgotten? Yukari, Ran, Nitori, anyone... they're not coming._ "

"I-I... the Void's doing this, isn't it...?

" _Welcome to your final resting place, Chen._ "

"Not so fast!" Yukari said, dashing into the room. "I don't remember there being a maze there, dang it, but I got through!"

" _Why didn't you just gap through it? It would have sapped your powers if you did, but..._ "

"Because I needed exersize!" Yukari shouted. "Now, reveal yourself, Ghost of Reimu!"

" _Oh, I'm not Reimu. Although I bet you wish I was..."_

"Who... who are you?"

The figure lifted up a staff with an end shaped like a crecent-moon, which began to glow, illuminating the darkness of the Void.

"No..." Yukari said. "Mima? I thout you'd been completely forgotten!"

" _Oh, you wish..._ " Mima said. " _There's only one person that remembers me now... and their singular belief allow me to use this Void to do whatever I wish! Give my deepest thanks to whoever destroyed Zombie Reimu- without them, I couldn't do this._ "

"What do you want?"

" _Oh, it's simple... I want to be remembered! And to do that, I need to sap your power and drain it all into the Void, reversing its polarity and making_ me, _its master, a memorable person! Such a shame you didn't gap through my maze. I'll have to use the attack I've been developing ever since back in good old '98, the year of the Mystic Square incident- when I was considered the most memorable person around!_ " Mima aimed her staff at Yukari. " _GOODBYE._ " The tip of the staff began to glow. Yukari thought she knew what was coming, and dodged quickly.

" _ **TWILIGHT SPARK!**_ " Mima exclaimed. Energy flowed through her staff, culminating at the point. Space began to distort around the tip of her staff, and as Yukari knew it was about to fire-

it didn't. The distortion in space stayed on Mima's staff.

" _Now that Twilight Spark has been aborted, it's still trying to draw power from the air. And if I hit you in our Gentleman's Duel..._ " Mima smiled. " _It'll draw in_ your _power to the Void._ "

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	10. Yukari is a godlike gentleman

Mima took a lunge at Yukari with her staff. Yukari barely dodged.

" _That's really not going to help you. You can't keep dodging forever, even with your gaps. And you can't gap away from an official duel, can you._ " Mima sighed. " _So stop making this take longer than it needs to and DIE._ "

"Well, you can hardly blame me," Yukari said. "This was an unexpected meeting."

Mima laughed. " _Please, nobody's defeated me except for Reimu. And that was one time. And she's dead now._ "

Yukari sighed. "I really don't have time for this. Give Chen back and I'll go. You have _no_ reason to be fighting me, as there's still people who remember you."

" _And what do they do? They go on with their lives, never even trying to keep the memories of me alive._ "

"Because you never showed up for years after the Mystic Square Incident. You only just showed up _now_!"

" _I was biding my time._ "

"And look what happened when you finished."

Mima attacked Yukari again, but Yukari dodged easily this time.

"To be remembered, you have to do something memorable. And sitting in a pit for twenty-three years isn't very memorable at all."

Mima swung her staff at Yukari three more times. Yukari dodged again.

"Look, I could end this battle easily if I really wanted to."

" _I wonder, then, why my first attack nearly hit?_ "

"Because it's not yet a _gentleman's_ duel." Yukari opened a gap. She reached inside, grabbing her top hat and monocle. Then Yukari dashed towards Mima, smacking her with a parasol, before jumping up into the air, and gapping in a train over her. Clouds of dust were thrown up into the air, but when they cleared, Mima was still standing.

" _Pathetic. Is that really the best you can do?_ " Mima sighed. " _If I wasn't restricted to melee, I would just let loose Twilight Spark._ "

"And why can't you?" Yukari said with a smirk. "You still have a hand free. And a tail. And no legs."

Mima frowned, clearly offended by Yukari's remark. She began to channel the spell in her left hand. Yukari didn't move. She just smirked. When Twilight Spark was let loose, Yukari gapped it away.

" _Why, you..._ "

"Look out below!" Yukari shouted, before opening another gap above Mima's head that the previously fired Twilight Spark came out of.

"Get dunked on," Yukari said to Mima as she evaporated. Yukari freed Chen, and returned to the mansion via a gap.

When they got back, they saw Ran, who was covered in walnuts.

Again.

 **TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR... SOMETHING. PROBABLY IT'LL HAVE KYOKO IN IT. MAYBE. PROBABLY. POSSIBLY.**


	11. Yukari is a universal constant

Murasa walked along the path to her school, nibbling on a piece of toast. The path was littered with fallen cherry petals.

Murasa sighed. "Looks like spring's really over now..." She glanced at the clock tower nearby and shouted, "Oh, no! I'm late!" She put the toast in her mouth and began to run.

* * *

"Cliche number one and two have begun. Energy readings increased by 500%."

* * *

Murasa ran into someone from the back. They both fell down.

"Cliche number three. Energy readings are of a decent sized nuclear explosion, all contained within Murasa."

Marisa rubbed her rear as she stood up. "Hey, be careful!" she said.

Murasa looked away, blushing.

* * *

"Cliche number four. Energy readings immeasurable."

* * *

Cherry blossoms floated down around them, in a moment of silence.

* * *

"Cliche number five, people! Energy readings back online... and it's infinite. I REPEAT, WE HAVE FOUND AN INFINITE ENERGY SOURCE!" Nitori shouted. "So this... _THIS_ is the power of narrative causality... Cause the impossible, and reap the benifits."

"Miss Nitori... we _may_ have a problem. We've registered a type TD on the subject, and our capacitors aren't ready to handle that kind of power!"

"Type TD? Murasa? Well, I'll be..." Nitori said. "Keep the experiment online: the Theory states we should be fine."

"But, captain! The capacitors canna take it anymore!" The assistant covered her mouth, realizing what she'd said. Space itself began to distort around the lab.

"Yes, yes... this is the power Yukari harnessed that day... that day she made that pun, breaking the fourth wall, _things_ began to leak through, and we're picking up after her! This is the Theory of Narrative Causality! Let's change reality, shall we?"

* * *

Murasa blushed, shouted "BAKA!" at Marisa, and ran past Marisa to the school.

"What... in the world is a 'baka?'" Marisa said. The realization suddenly came to her. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Marisa shouted after her.

* * *

"I have _altered reality..._ " Nitori said. "Shattered a language barrier. Only Yukari could do that previously and she was _born_ with specifically the power to manipulate barriers. What else can we do...?"

* * *

Murasa ran away, blushing. _Why..._ she thought. _Why am I running? Why did I say... baka? What does that even mean?_

* * *

An explosion sounded down the hallway. "We've got a Code 1 alert here!" Nitori's assistant shouted. "Capacitor 7's busted!"

Nitori smiled. Something in her mind was drawing her towards the door, yet... it felt right.

"Miss! It's dangerous to go out there! The sheer density of the power we took is bending reality around it... if you go in there, who knows what'll happen!"

Nitori turned, and smiled nicely at her assistant. "Don't worry. I'll be... fine... just fine."

Nitori's assistant was shocked that she was acting so calm. Why would she?

Nitori walked down the hallway until a sudden flash of light, when she vanished.

"Miss Nitori!" the assistant shouted, but Nitori was gone.

* * *

Murasa stopped, noticing Nitori standing in front of her. Nitori was crackling with energy, laughing maniacally.

Even Murasa knew who Nitori was, and ran up. "You're... Nitori Kawashiro! You're the owner of KappaTech, as it's called now! I've heard so much about you! I heard it was your company that gave me the scholarship! Shame Yukari bought the company, although it might give you more funding for your experiments"

Nitori stopped laughing. "So this is where it took me..." The crackling energy around Nitori stabilized into a solid white aura in the air around her. "Thank you for letting me send you here."

"Oh, no problem!" Murasa said. "Anyways, what's with the aura?"

"Oh, this?" Nitori said. "This is the energy that stems from forcing reality to do something it shouldn't be able to do. Sending you here against all reason, then forcing you into an archetype that doesn't fit you is what caused this energy to be released. It's essentially the waste product of the universe. And now it's all _my_ power."

"Nitori? Are you okay? All your previous announcements and speeches were all very energetic... is something wrong?"

"Nitori? Oh, that's me..." Nitori chuckled. "Murasa, let me show you everything that could _ever_ possibly be."

"I'm... fine here, I think. I haven't even started school yet, after all!"

"Oh, it wasn't a question." Nitori grabbed Murasa's hand. Power surged through her into Murasa, who screamed in agony before the two of them vanished. Ripples in the air echoed outwards.

Marisa poked her head out of a nearby bush. She'd seen the whole thing. "Well..." Marisa said. "That's quite something."

* * *

"And so... well, Nitori vanished, and the only eyewitness report we have of her showing up elsewhere makes no sense." The assistant sighed. "Lady Yukari, I hate to bother you, but I need a _very large_ favor from you."

"And that would be?" Yukari asked, sipping her tea.

"It's hard to explain... perhaps some visuals are needed?" The assistant pulled out a screen from her pocket. A timeline with circles showing photos of the Great Reformation were on the screen, representing major events. Some were outlined.

"Hmm..." Yukari said. "Considering _what_ you were messing with, I'd say Nitori blasted herself back in time and I need to go get her with my gaps?"

"No... Tap the screen."

Yukari tapped the screen, and the outlined ones split. It was like watching a fan unfold. More and more. Eventually, only about 5 were still outlined, and were all in the present _time_ , but the pictures didn't make sense.

"See, we found a way to travel between possible outcomes of the world when Nitori vanished, or rather _because_ of that. We reverse-engineered her energy signature. From what we've gathered, all the other worlds are completely different: but one thing stays steady. The people, the gentlemanliness, and Nitori's been either dead or missing since _our_ Nitori vanished. But her energy signature is present in all of the outlined ones. Meaning she's there in one way or another, and from what she did to Murasa..."

"Ah, yes. Murasa was missing, was she not?"

"We found her."

"Where?"

"Everywhere." The assistant sighed. "Murasa is a bit special. She didn't exist at all in most of these worlds. But now she's in _all_ of them. I think Nitori may be experimenting with that, but she's taken it too far. We've found evidence of her toying with these worlds, and we all agreed not to do that. So I need you to bring her back here."

"All right, fair enough. But who's in the team?"

"Well... that's why I'm not sure you'll accept. We have to gather a team of people that are up to the task _and_ constant in all timelines. And..." The screen shifted, showing pictures of Cirno, Utsuho, Hina, Yukari, and Marisa.

Yukari stared for a moment, and then turned to the assistant. "I don't have a problem with most of these, even if Marisa is still a gentleman in training, but Cirno, Miss..."

"My name's Satomi Kawashiro, actually. I'm a distant relative of Nitori's."

"Miss Kawashiro, then, Cirno is a ruffian! I would never work with one of them."

"You don't have to _work_ with them. Dividing up to fix all five timelines simeltaneously might be the best option."

"I shall only agree if we do that."

"All right. Come to the lab in a couple of hours. Everyone else should be ready by then, and from what Nitori said about you, you're always ready." Satomi opened the window and flew out, her lab coat billowing in the wind around her.

"Ran!Yukari called.

Ran walked over to Yukari from the next room, covered in peanut shells. "Yes, my lady?"

"I'm going to be out for a while. Take care of things."

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	12. Yukari is a fine Yukari

Yukari looked around the lab. It was messy, the walls were charred, and in the center of the room was an orange swirling portal contained in a glass sphere.

"Oi still don't get this," Cirno said. "Science... it's like econononomy... econemeny...? It don't really make sense."

"Silence, ruffian!" Yukari shouted.

"Jeez, fine, but don'tcha know that on this mission-y thing, I'm 'bout as 'mportant as you?" Cirno sighed. "All the gentlemens and their demeeney... demen...?"

"While she's doing that..." Satomi said, "Hina, Marisa, Utsuho. You'll all stay here for now, I haven't finished your breifing. Cirno here can't _understand_ the breifing but does understand her _goal_ so she'll be going to Sub-Timeline U-02."

"You-oh-too..." Cirno said, sounding it out. "What's that mean?"

"It means it's a reality where the Yatagarasu Corporation comes out on top via violence in Yukari's previous duel with Utsuho, who proceeds to... oh, never mind."

"I like the sound of that," Utsuho said.

"Well, considering that in U-02 you're a tyrant that rules over Gensokyo with a fist of steel, I have a feeling Cirno won't. Luckily enough, that universe's instance of Nitori is easy enough to find- she was at the front lines of a rebellion, so that's where _our_ Nitori will manifest. That's where Cirno's going to be warped." Satomi pulled a lever next to the portal, retracting the glass cover.

"Oi don't like this..." Cirno said. "But a can-kicker's gotta do what a can-kicker's gotta do."

"That's the spirit!" Satomi said. Cirno stepped through the gate and vanished. Satomi put the glass cover back up. "Any of you will be be warped back upon contact with the Nitori you're trying to find. A convenient glitch in our system, isn't it?" She pushed a red button on a nearby console. Energy struck the portal from below, turning it blood-red.

"And... Yukari... Well, this universe is pretty tame, actually. It's Sub-Timeline U-01..."

"U-02 was all right, even if I didn't get to sing," Utsuho said. "What's the deal with U-01?"

"U-01 is... odd. See, our Nitori's been in U-01 the longest. In that timeline... Hina, you may want to cover your ears..."

Hina shook her head. "If it's to get Nitori back, I'll listen."

"All right. U-01 is in a paralell set of events _very_ similar to what happened after Utsuho got into singing, but in U-01 she chose a different genre, more specificially waltz music. Hina's invited everyone onto a steamboat on the Misty Lake for a party, and Utsuho's preforming there. The reason Hina will _want_ to go there but _shouldn't_... Hina-U01, my term for that timeline's Hina, is a widow."

"Really?" Hina said. "Who was... Hina-U01 married to?"

"Nitori."

Hina blushed. "And..."

"In that timeline, she died protecting you from a lab fire."

Hina blushed more.

"Okay, all _that_ aside," Marisa said. "So for someone in another timeline that's one of us, we call them by their normal names then the timeline's name?"

"Yes."

"Is there a set of universes beginning with EME?"

"Yes, actually, if Yukari hadn't upheld the Hakurei Barrier after defeating Reimu-"

"Satomi-EME. 01, I guess."

There was a chorus of groans from the assembled Gensokyans.

"A-anyways..." Satomi said through possibly the most perfect facepalm in history, "Yukari, you're up." She pulled the lever. "Remember what I said- it'll come in handy."

"Why?"

"Nitori's been manifesting in multiple timelines, but it seems if you can cause an event that would _make sense if it occured_ in a timeline, for instance this Nitori upon manifesting giving Hina a hug, would probably return that timeline's Nitori. After we return all 5 main timeline's Nitoris, she'll have to move on to other timelines and manifest there, and we've got something set up to catch her while moving in between them, so once all 5 are returned..."

"...then _our_ Nitori will come back," Utsuho read from a paper she'd found. "Your notes are well written. They're easy to understand. You can send me out after Yukari."

"Speaking of which..." Yukari said. "Could I not just gap there?"

"We researched that based on your gap's energy signatures. It seems you can only gap around whatever timeline you're currently in- and your gap dimension has a version for each timeline, as well."

"All right." Yukari stepped forwards, into the portal. Everything blurred around her...

and she was on a steamboat.

Yukari looked around. Fireflies were buzzing around her. She looked around, and saw a large assembly of gentlemen dancing to a waltz being preformed by Utsuho and a few others. Yukari could recognise the Prismriver Sisters playing the music but she didn't recognise a few others. _They probably only exist in this timeline,_ Yukari inferred, and proceeded to walk around. She looked for Nitori, but didn't see anything.

"Hello? Is this working?" Hina's voice echoed across the boat. It seemed she was making a speech.

"Ah, there we go. Thank you all for coming here. I'm sure that Nitori would have really appreciated this..." Hina held back a sob. "Anyways, if you can't tell where I am... I'm up on the second layer of the deck right now."

Yukari looked up and saw Hina looking down on the assembled crowd from a balcony-like area.

"Anyways, as I was saying... Yukari and Nitori were the ones who made this possible, and I'd like to thank Yukari here, but... I'm not seeing her..."

Yukari-U01 coughed. Yukari turned and saw Yukari-U01 fly up to where Hina was. "You are welcome, Hina. Truly, Nitori's death was a tradgedy, but she wouldn not want us to linger on it; so everyone have a good time, okay?"

There was a chorus of cheers.

Yukari stared at Yukari-U01, who was having a conversation with Hina. It was rather strange to see herself... only not?

Yukari-U01 glanced at Yukari, her eyes widening. She gapped herself over.

"Hello. Are you perchance Nue? Mamizou?" Yukari-U01 sighed. "But none of them were invited and even if they were disguised they'd never get past security... So you're me."

"Yep."

"I have always speculated about the existence of alternate timelines. Why are you here?"

"I am from one of them. I'm looking for Nitori."

"She died recently."

"Rather... _our_ Nitori. She has been hopping around a bit, though."

"Ah. Well, considering you're here..." Yukari-U01 walked around to behind the entrance to the stairwell, where nobody could see them, then opened three gaps to places around the boat. "I'm not seeing Nitori... ah!" Yukari-U01 closed all the gaps except the one showing the dancers from above. Nitori was standing in the center. She seemed to have a white... outline. Nitori looked straight up into the gap and vanished.

Yukari-U01 and Yukari stared for a moment, then simeltaneously said, "Where did she go?"

"Right behind you," Nitori said, before grabbing both of their arms quickly and turning them around so they couldn't see her. "Seems you've been out looking for me."

Yukari (both of them) attempted to open gaps, which were shot with bolts of light that closed them.

"Heh. Those things did always make you a bit too powerful. Get shot at? Gap. Need to fight someone? Gap. Someone's found a way to display your age? Cover the number with a gap. Gaps, gaps, gaps." Nitori sighed. "But now I'm _very_ powerful. Seeing your gap there interrupted my assasination of Hina which would have given me massive amounts of power. But even you two meeting..." Nitori let go of both Yukaris, who turned to face her. She was crackling with energy.

"Funny, I've got just enough power to force an archetype change. You always did hate ruffians, but there's enough of those as is. A Tsundere, or Type TD effect, especially on _you_ could make me a _lot_ of power but it'd be boring." Nitori smiled evilly as an idea came to her. "Or, if I just want to make you suffer, I'll change you to a tyrannical, rich corporation owner. It's so close I wouldn't have to use much power, and _everyone_ will hate you. And I can force it across all timelines."

"But the Nitori of this timeline will be returned if something that fits in perfectly with this timeline happens," Yukari said. "And then we'll be four fifths done with getting you back."

"Oh, Yukari, Yukari..." Nitori said. "I'm not an entity _in_ the timeline any more. The raw energy we harvested from Murasa transformed me into a _**god**_."

"We have plenty of those in Gensokyo."

"Not the kind I am. Not omnipotent ones. All they can do is maybe make a fig tree sprout, or make snakes cluster somewhere. I can do _anything._ " Nitori waved her hand and fired three white bolts up into the sky. A windstorm began.

"Even _I_ can do that," Yukari-U01 said.

"You'd gap in the neccecary winds in from elsewhere. I created them."

"Don't we already have people for that in Gensokyo?"

Nitori looked angry. Her power surged to her hand, and both Yukaris were paralyzed. "Ha ha, you realized Unzan's punches can cause wind. Great! Good for you. **Shame about the fact you can't move.** **And it's a shame that I can now just walk up and-** "

"Ni-Nitori!" Hina-U01 shouted from behind them. "What are you doing? Did... was that last experiment what caused this?"

"I'm not _that_ Nitori."

"Nitori... you've changed..." Hina-U01 said. "Are you that bitter about me not being able to save you? I tried... I tried so hard..." She began to cry.

"Ever heard of _misinterperetation?_ " Nitori said. "I'm not _your_ Nitori. I'm not-" The power around Nitori began to destabilize, making her 'outline' seem more like static.

Both Yukaris gapped back ten feet.

"Oh, did you just-" Nitori said before her energy dropped away into a ghost-like form which quickly faded. Her body, or rather, Nitori-U01, blinked, then saw Hina.

"That was bizzarre..." Nitori-U01 said. "Since when did I have that power... and that intolerable personality?"

Hina's tears quickly became tears of joy as she ran to Nitori, embracing her with open arms.

"Aaaaand, that seems to be it," Yukari said. "Who knows, maybe I'll see you later, Doppelganger Yukari."

"You are the doppelanger."

Yukari smiled and walked up to Nitori, tapping her on the shoulder.

Everything blurred around her again, and she was standing back in the lab. Hina and Marisa were eating some fried chicken from MFY while Satomi talked.

"And so, that's why there's no timeline that _doesn't_ contain any of you." Satomi sighed. "Even if there's no _reason_ for that, or at least one that makes _sense..._ "

"I have returned!" Yukari said.

"Wow, that was fast..." Satomi said. "Cirno isn't even back yet and I figured she'd find Nitori the fastest."

Cirno materialized next to Yukari. "Who sed oi wouldn' be goin back?" She looked around. "Ah. Oi'm back. Yer doppelganger's mean, Satomi."

"I didn't realize that there _was_ a Satomi-U02. I didn't even think about a... Satomi-EME01..." she sighed.

"Oi'll tell you 'bout 'em later." Cirno sighed. "Or oi'll write it down somewhere."

"I think it'd be easier for me to read."

"How many Nitoris are left?" Yukari asked.

"Three. Hina, Utsuho, and Marisa will go get them. Actually, Utsuho's over in Y-01 _now_ , where you were defeated by Reimu back then."

"Well," Marisa said, standing up. "Me and Hina are ready, so why don't you dial in the next timeline?"

Satomi smiled. "It'd be a pleasure."

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	13. Cirno is an imperial general PART ONE

Cirno looked around. As she expected, she was not where she had began. In fact, she was surrounded by seven soldiers armed with what seemed to be Lunarian weaponry. They were all wearing nearly identical steel armor and helmets, reminiscent of Nitori's experimental designs. All of the edges were rounded, as if to make it easier to wear.

"Alpha-2, what do you think we should do?" one of the soldiers said. Their voice sounded almost electronic, like they were using radio to communicate.

"I haven't the faintest idea..." Alpha-2 sighed. "Capture her?"

"'Ey! Outta my way, ya'll dumb sold'r people!" Cirno yelled. "I gotta find that N'tori girl!"

"Alpha Squad, what's the holdup?" a very deep voice said from Alpha-2's helmet, clearly indicating their use of radio. "Alpha Squad, report!"

"Alpha-1 here," one of the soldiers said. There seemed to be a filter, changing the sound of their voice to something almost robotic. Their armor had red stripes painted on it. "This ice fairy just showed up out of thin air and started yelling at us with this weird accent. Saying she needs to find some Ntori."

"Nitori Kawashiro, probably... Ah! Ma'am!" one of the soldiers said.

"Alpha-4, we may need to do something about both this girl and _you_. Alpha-6, bring Alpha-4 to me. The rest of Alpha Squad, take the girl and bring her to the cells."

"Yes, ma'am!" the entire squad said at the same time. Two of the soldiers left in the direction of...

Cirno gasped. There was a massive tower made of steel behind her. Electricity crackled along its edge. There were no windows. Even the doors were blast doors. It was definitely built for security, not looks.

 _So, it aint Yukari they're takin me to, fer sure_ , Cirno thought. _She'da gapped 'ere long ago._

Alpha-1 bumped Cirno with their gun. "Get moving!" they shouted.

Cirno sighed. "Y'all are messin' with the strongest in Gensokyo! Ya sure you wanna die?"

"What did she just say?" the voice said. "Alpha-1, _what did she just say_?"

"She said she was the strongest, ma'am."

"Bring her here. _Now_."

"Yes, ma'am!" Alpha-1 said. "I expected you'd know her! After all, it's you that's the General, not us!"

"Yer not gonna get away with tha'!" Cirno shouted, pulling a can out of her pocket. She kicked it as hard as she could at Alpha-1 with near-perfect accuracy. It was a shot that would have easily taken out Yukari in a single hit.

It bounced off Alpha-1's armor. Cirno stared, paralyzed by shock. There wasn't even a dent.

"Come on, come on." Alpha-1 sighed. "Just roll with it, okay? You're going to be graced by the presence of the General."

 **A FEW MINUTES LATER**

"General! We have arrived!" Alpha-1 said.

Cirno stared up at the nine-foot-tall suit of armor. All the rounded areas on the Alpha Squad's armor ended in spikes on this thing. It didn't even look like steel- it looked even sturdier. It was holding a spiked whip made of the same material. Cirno looked around, and saw Alpha-4, with their helmet off.

It was Hina-U02. And she was crying in pain, lying on the ground.. The armor around her back had been shredded, presumably by the whip.

"H-Hina...?" Cirno said. "Y-Yer not lookin too good there, are ya?"

"Hina..." she said. "That was what they called me, not too long ago..."

"SILENCE!" shouted the General, cracking the whip. "Alpha-1, it seems this ice fairy knows who the Alpha Squad contains. You may take your helmet off."

Alpha-1 took off their helmet. It was Marisa-U02 underneath. She had perhaps the most serious look on her face Cirno had ever seen.

"Whaaa?" Cirno said. "Bu'... you all... yer back at the lab thing, aren-" Cirno remembered Satomi's lecture. "Ooooooh. I shouldn' tell yall I'm from another universe thingy. Yeah!"

There was silence for a while.

Cirno smiled. "Yer never gonna find out!"

There was more silence, before the General sighed. "Alpha-1, take Alpha-4 to the barracks. I'll contact Lady Utsuho about the recent developments."

"Yes, ma'am!" Marisa-U02 helped Hina-U02 up and led her out into the hallway they'd come through on the way in, the blast doors closing behind them.

"Now, about you..." The General said, taking off their helmet. The armor around them opened at the front, revealing a small control room near the top. Cirno-U02 flew down to the floor. They were wearing a tank top with camo pants, which seemed to be the uniform for wearing under the battle armor. "I need to have a word with you, dimension traveller."

"Wha... yer talkin' all weerd!" Cirno said.

"Ya mean li' this, li' yer voice?" Cirno-U02 said. "I'll pass. I was educated not long ago by Lady Utsuho, which allowed me to rise to my current position."

"Wai... if Hina's 'round here, then..."

"I assume you're asking for the whole gang of pre-war Gensokyans on our side, by their names. We don't have many, sadly. There's Marisa, Hina, Nitori until a few days ago, me... And then there's the opposition. Yukari and the rest of the gang." Cirno-U02 sighed. "She's teamed up with _Mima_ , of all people, Yuuka, and some of the most powerful Gensokyans, and formed an army of a hundred that can match our army of thousands. If it weren't for Marisa and her Master Spark, we'd probably all be dead at this point."

"Ye talk too much! Din't yer mum teach ya manners?"

"Manners?" Cirno-U02 laughed. "Please, don't get me _started_ on manners. I _whip_ my troops for bad manners. You saw Alpha-4. I will admit I don't like whipping her for mistakes she makes over depression. She was very close to Alpha-8... ah, Nitori. It's been hard on her. But I can't show mercy based on circumstances." She turned to look at a screen on the wall, which flickered on. Utsuho's face was on it.

"General, how's it going?" Utsuho-U02 said, before jumping back. "There's two of you?"

"Alpha-8's theories were right, apparently. We _were_ in fact visited by extradimensional travellers, one of which is an alternate version of me. Judging from their speech, they're from YY-1."

"Okay then. How's the fight going?"

"There's been another breach of the Gensokyan Border from Twilight Spark. A hundred men died before Yukari sealed it."

"This is problematic. And since she's drained all the power out of Makai, it'll get worse as she adapts. She might even be able to create a new spell, and then we'll be in trouble. We need to take out Mima." Utsuho-U02 scratched her head. "Got any ideas?"

"I'd say we should flank Yuuka next time she goes scouting, take her hostage before she can let out a Master Spark of her own, and use her to lure Mima here alone. We'll encircle her with a hundred men. She won't be able to let off a Twilight Spark that'll take out more than twenty if we use a Kawashiro formation, which'll be her use of the day. Then she's very vulnerable."

"That once-a-day limitation is a godsend. Except all the gods able to manifest physically are on their side."

"Tha's stupid," Cirno said. "Yew shou' take a thou... thous... ten times that many, in a circly thing 'round her, then yer set! Fewer casualt... casul... deads, and more time to hurt 'er!"

There was silence.

"Yes, a Kawashiro formation of a thousand works better, but the chance of cross-fire-"

"Ya can mak' danmaku no' crossfire! Tha's basic!"

"Those take longer to shoot. Plus, we use Lunarian lasers, so-"

"Thos' jus' project the bloody things, righ'? An' even if they take long'r to shoot, ya've got a... ten times... a hundred... men! Fire in volleys!"

Cirno-U02 sighed. "You're good at this, which makes sense since you're a version of me. However, I'd advise you to return to your home dimension. If you're looking for Alpha-8... Nitori, rather, you won't find her here."

"Hmm, about that, Cirno..." Utsuho-U02 looked around. "Looks like Alpha-8's just showed up in the barracks, without any armor, from the cam footage. Heading towards the lab. Which is currently working on that timeline sphere thing. Send Cirno-YY1 there. You go, too. Full battle armor, overclocked. Take the whip. We're taking Nitori-YY1 with an Aki formation so we can stop bothering with this timeline stuff we only half understand."

"A-an Aki formation? Are you crazy?" Cirno-U02 said. "That's a terrible idea!"

"An Aki formation."

"Meanin'..."

"Charge straight at her." Utsuho-U02 smiled. "That's how we do things around here. Complicated, hard-to-say codewords, based on my whims, just because they're fun." The video from the screen cut out.

Cirno-U02 sighed, and hopped back in her armor. A few seconds later, she was enveloped in it again. She grabbed the whip, and then said, "Right, you may want to look away really quick."

Cirno looked away. There was a flash of light, and the armor and the whip were crackling with electricty.

"Overclocked," Cirno-U02 said. "If there's one thing we have too much of, it's electricity. The whole building's a lightning rod. This'll put it to use. Now go!"

Cirno nodded, and she and Cirno-U02 ran out into the corridor.

* * *

"Satomi, I need to talk," Nitori said.

Satomi-U02 sighed, pulling out a gun and pointing it at Nitori. "Die. By the way, this thing isn't Lunarian. This is my own invention. You have no idea what it does."

"Oh, right. You're the one that pulls a gun on me every time they see me. Shame to have do that to your cousin, huh?"

"Actually, you're the one that made Cirno _battle armor,_ you madwoman!Hina's suffered so much pain from that _thing_ , you know. A clumsy person like her gets diciplined by the General daily, and I'm not calling that thing Cirno any more. She _failed_ her last psychological evaluation. She _FAILED_ it! It told me she wouldn't be able to live a 'normal' life without professional help, and _you_ were the last professional!You, Nitori... _You_ are the monster here, messing up our timeline. _You_ toyed with people's emotions in your tests. _You_ started this war in the first place. _You_ never should have given Utsuho that experimental control rod. And _you_ were the one that faked your own death, just to see her suffer. Look where we all are now, hmm?"

Nitori smiled, as her white aura appeared. Cirno and Cirno-U02 ran up to the doorway to the lab, but were blocked by a barrier created by Nitori. Cirno-U02 began trying to break it.

"Oh, I see what you did. Had one of your counterparts break narrative causality so I wouldn't suspect it. A Type TD breakdown, hmm? Sent them a message saying it'd give them infinite energy. Hah! But you couldn't control it without universally fusing." Satomi-U01 grew a white aura. "I only had to take the neighboring timeline's Satomis. They thought I _wasn't_ a universal constant in YY-1. You thought the Gentleman's Order was too lighthearted, so you changed it all. You made it as dark as you possibly could, and then destroyed it in a war, while I watched the other timeline's Nitoris, trying to find one I could possibly swap for you without destroying their timeline. Then, just as I found a lead, you burned my research, and I'm back here. But see this gun? This gun will _banish_ you. Banish you to the void between timelines, for all eternity. It's my life's work- I used _your_ technology to hide this as you burned things. I'll shoot you, shoot myself, and then we'll both die, or at least something like it. As we both know we deserve."

"Well, well, well, aren't you clever!" Nitori said. "But I've not _just_ caused a Type TD breakdown. I've caused _two_ with the same people, I've had two Yukaris meet, even. Can you _try_ to match that?

"I have. I've actually brought the rebellion some food for the past fifteen days, anticipating this. That gave me as much power as a three Type TD breakdowns. I caused the first ten archetype changes. Now they _cost_ power rather than adding it. Nitori-U02, looks like you're the dominant personality there, explaining your mischief. But you're in Nitori-YY1's body, and I'm going to get you out."

"Try me," Nitori said. "You'd have chased me down if you had _that_ much power. Face it- you're bluffing."

"There's a reason I didn't, and that's because _you_ would chase _me_ down. And plus, it's safer for me to stay here gathering power rather than leaving and risk being killed by you."

Cirno, from the outside, said, "Ach, they make it soun' like yew all're the main universe! It's us!"

"Oh, it's Cirno-YY1! No, our universe is not the main universe- but neither is yours." Satomi smiled. "Meaning I can completely destroy both in my fight against Nitori."

Satomi and Nitori seemingly vanished, much to Cirno's surprise. "Wh... where did they'all go, me?" Cirno said.

"My armor has speed sensors, and they're fighting faster than the speed of light using whatever power that is. Otherwise we'd see them." Cirno-U02 thought a bit, and then said, "That means them flicking anything could easily instantly kill nearly anything. Good thing their barrier's still up."

"Bu', I needa touch Nitori to go back!" Cirno said.

"W-what did you say?" Cirno-U02 said. "I hardly know anything about this, but I can see the fight on the armor's video feed since it works with pictures displayed rapidly... well, enough of that. Nitori's losing. Badly. She could _die_ if she doesn't surrender soon."

"Meanin'... I'mna be stuck in this..."

"Hey, you'll be fine! I was, after all. The only thing better than one General is two."

Satomi suddenly flickered back into view, with Nitori pinned to the ground under her. Satomi pulled out the gun.

"Heh..." Nitori panted. "You're good."

"I'm better at martial arts than a certain NEETori I know."

"I... can't even punch you for that any more..." Nitori said. "I think my everything is broken."

"And my arm is still _all right_. Funny- you were talking so high and mighty, and look where we are now."

Satomi's finger tightened on the trigger, and she fired.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	14. Cirno is an imperial general PART TWO

Satomi-U02 pulled the trigger, and Nitori vanished. The barrier across the lab door shattered and both Cirnos ran in.

"F...Finally it's all over..." Satomi-U02 said, panting. Her lab coat had been worn ragged, and she had a black eye.

"Satomi!" Cirno-U02 shouted. "You've been giving food to the enemy?"

"Yeah, to increase my power... and good thing I did, too, or this timeline would be as good as dead."

"I'll take that excuse for now, but look! Now Cirno-YY1 can't get back!"

"So? The amount I care about YY-1 is about _none_. They're all happy. They don't have problems like us."

"We've go' problems too, ya imb... imble... imblecell!"

"And their Cirno is stupid, too." Satomi-U02 sighed. "You know, I could use a nap. And a new lab coat. And... you know. My research back."

"All the more reason to get her out of here!" Cirno-U02 yelled. "Look, I don't care if you _can,_ just _do_ get her out of here. It's what she wants, and I'll respect that, especially since she's a nuicance!"

"'Ey, lemme argue too!"

 **MEANWHILE, IN TIMELINE PL-03**

Nitori smiled. "You _set it up wrong_. You sent me to a different timeline, rather than in between. Since my signal's dead, now, YY-1 think I'm gone from there. And now I'm fine. Plus..." Nitori turned to the broken down ferris wheel behind her, covered in radioactive waste. "This timeline's more fun."

 **BACK IN TIMELINE U-02**

"YOU PUT THIS CIRNO BACK OR I'LL WHIP YOU IN OVERCLOCK MODE!" screamed Cirno-U02, her voice filtered by her mask.

"No, sorry. You're going to run out of overclock energy in two seconds, see, and it takes you two and a half in that bulky armor to draw the whip."

Cirno-U02's armor exited Overclock Mode, before she could draw the whip.

"Why not?"

"I can't. I just simply can't. I don't have the materials."

"What do you need?"

"See, the first one we built required a frog's eye so we could actually _see_ what timeline we were hopping into, and they just went extinct, so..."

"That makes no sense at all."

"This is Gensokyo."

"Ya need a frog? Ha, that's easy!" Cirno pulled out a frozen frog from a pocket in her dress.

The two stared at her.

"Ah, that makes it simple, then! Send her back, now."

"Well, it's simple... but it's also really hard. It's for jumping between possible present times, so it's about as complicated as time travel only it works properly and it's actually safe. So, thanks, but no thanks."

"What reason do you have this time?"

"You still owe me five yen from that bet we made."

There was silence for a few seconds.

"Five."

"Yep."

"You're not doing it..."

"Because I owe you..."

"The equivalent of 0.043 GSD."

"Okay, fine." Cirno-U02 pulled out a few coins from her pocket and tossed them to Satomi, who caught them. "What were we even betting on anyways?"

"If any extradimensional travellers would visit us. You said 'Oh, that's impossible, but I don't want to bet too much on it so I'll only bet five yen'. That's exactly what you said."

"Build the darn machine."

"Oh, actually, I'll just use the gun. YY-1's only three away, and last I checked YY-01 was operating all extradimensional tests from their version of this lab, so no actual adjustment of position is required." She pulled a slider on the gun to a point labelled '3' and aimed at Cirno.

"Did you know you're terrible?"

"Oh, don't flatter me."

"W-waaait, I don' like this, cuz yer aimin' a gun at me."

"It's not a gun, it's an Ranged Extradimensional Transfusion Device™. So you'll be safe. Probably. Maybe. Possibly. Ah, whatever." Satomi pulled the trigger without any warning.

Cirno's surroundings blurred around her, and she found herself back in the lab.

"Wow, that was fast..." Satomi said. "Cirno isn't even back yet, and I figured she'd find Nitori the fastest."

"Who sed oi wouldn' be goin back?" Cirno looked around. "Ah. Oi'm back. Yer doppelganger's mean, Satomi."

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	15. BONUS: Yukkuri is a fine gentleman

**Disclaimer:** **ゆっくりしていってね**

One day, Yukkuri was taking it easy. Suddenly, Reimu appeared and did a thing.

"ゆっくりしていってね" said Yukkuri.

"Because I am the finest gentleman/gentlewoman!" said Reimu.

"ゆっくりしていってね" said Yukkuri.

"Funny, I was going to say that about your left nostril! And it so happens to be 'inferior', not 'less surperior'!"

"ゆっくりしていってね"

"How dare you pour such insults upon me! Be sure to drink your ovaltine, convinence store shopper gap hag!"

"ゆっくりしていってね!"

"If I were to believe that, then it would be Suwako's Meme Time! Is it Suwako's Meme Time? It is not. Therefore your previous statement is false!"

Yukkuri and Reimu stared at each other through their monocles. The brims of their top hats were almost touching, their glares were so close to each other.

"ゆっくりしていってね" screamed Yukkuri.

"What?" said Reimu. "That's impossible! We do not have a time warp realm in our possesion for the legendary duel!"

"ゆっくりしていってね"

"Bugger you and your darkmeal!" Reimu said. "I could do it without my golden monocle that is in my possesion!"

Yukkuri made a swipe at Reimu's hat, but she reacted quickly enough to dash behind Yukkuri, who gapped behind Reimu, and grabbed her hat.

"Woe is me! I have been defeated. Truly, you are the finer gentleman," Reimu said.

"ゆっくりしていってね." said Yukkuri.

"I am truly saddened by this turn of events. To owe such a gentleman as you three ficuses... My life is no longer worth living."

Then Reimu exploded.

 **THE END.**


	16. Satomi is a multiverse theorist

**NOTE: THIS CHAPTER IS MOSTLY JUST FOR THOSE WHO DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND TIMELINE THEORY YET, SO YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU LIKE.**

 **ALLERGEN WARNING: MAY CONTAIN EGGS**

"Right... so Yukari and Cirno aren't back yet, and Utsuho's just left... I guess I'll give you two a basic breifing on timeline theory, since you don't seem to quite understand it yet." Satomi said. "Um... is anyone hungry?"

Hina thought for a moment, then said, "Well, not yet. Soon, maybe."

"Okay, then. So here's the basics. Multiverse theory is something intended to describe the possibility of other universes. Now, there are three main schools of thought when it comes to multiverse theory, one of which we've been messing with.  
The first is 'bubble theory', which states that there are many universes all far apart, floating in interstellar or extradimensional 'bubbles'. We haven't _disproved_ this one, so I'm not really sure if it applies to us. Yukari sure can't prove it with her gaps.  
The second is what I like to call 'napkin theory'. Imagine a stack of napkins, each of which is a fourth-dimensional 'window' into an alternate universe. This one we _have_ disproved. Yukari's told us for a fact that 4-dimensional space doesn't look like that, and is mostly inhabited by moth-like creatures that consider our 3-dimensional plane in the center of theirs a fire or lamp. And apparently some youkai like her are there, for some reason?  
Then there's the third, which we all know as 'timeline theory', which is the one we _do_ know is real. This one's pretty hard to explain, so I'll start at the beginning of time.  
So at the very beginning of all existence, there's one 'choice' or branching point- is the universe created, or not? If not, that's the _end_ of all existence. That's universe ZXZ-99, which is completely devoid of all life, laws of physics, and all the drones we sent there to experiment were immideately crushed because apparently center of that universe is the most powerful actually _possible_ black hole. If you don't know, don't ask.  
That aside, each 'choice' or random possibility causes another universe to branch off. We name each of these after key events. I just call ours the 'Datum', which you can look for in a dictionary in your spare time, but unless I'm mistaken from the limited magical surveilance I've conducted, all worlds call themselves the Datum as well if they contain life.  
Now, I bet you're thinking that there's not many 'choices', just the ones people make. Well, first, there are a _lot_ of people, and second, even atoms make 'choices', they're just mostly random."

"Does one of these choices involve buying some MFY?" Marisa said. "I'm hungry."

"Yes, actually." Satomi picked up a phone, pushing a button on the speed dial.

"You have MFY on speed dial?" Marisa laughed. "That's kind of sad."

"MFY's the only place that delivers here, really. I mean, the rest of the delivery people are scared of here because of the near-constant explosions." Someone on the other end picked up the phone. Satomi flipped a coin, and ordered plain fried chicken.

"Right, so, here's a good example. I'll pull up my Extradimensional Viewing Device™, and show you the new possible outcomes." Satomi pulled up a miniature version of the glass orb used to teleport between universes. A timeline appeared in it. Satomi zoomed in on a small portion, containing a blue circle with lines connecting to two other blue circles, representing possible outcomes. The first circle contained a small looping video of Satomi flipping the coin. The two connected to it showed her saying different things in her order.

"Oh, okay," Marisa said. "But..."

Satomi smiled. "Yep, it's a bit hard to take in, isn't it. Actually, if I refresh this..." Satomi pressed a button on top of the orb, and zoomed out a little bit. A new blue circle appeared, connected to an event before Satomi's coin flip. It showed her rolling a six-sided die. This circle was connected to another fifteen circles.

"I think this makes more sense... but why fifteen?" Hina asked. "A six-sided die only has six possible outcomes for its rolls."

"Well, this is where it gets _really_ complicated," Satomi said. "So, because I'm the one 'telling' this 'story', the universe is using my scientific knowledge to create new possibilities. Because of narrative casualty, which I don't fully understand and know I should _never_ research further from what happened to Nitori. See, because I know about quantum mechanics and electron tunneling, I know there is a miniscule chance that the die, or different amounts of parts of it, anyways, will fall through my hands as I catch them. Hence the fifteen possibilities.  
Now, as far as the 'story telling' thing, I can't really tell how exactly it works, but it seems to be the one making the most decisions, which might be why there isn't a universe where Marisa just Master Sparked everything- oh, here's a new one of her doing just that. See? Basically, if I consider that something _could_ happen there's somewhere where it did."

"But this still doesn't explain one last thing..." Marisa said. "See, you've been sending everyone to different timelines, right, but how do you know which one exactly? There's so many similar outcomes that it doesn't seem to... well, make sense."

"That's pretty complicated. Basically, decisions made in important events directly affect things _more_. Each major event is a huge turning point, and most of these points here will eventually connect to the next major event. Some probably won't, honestly. Each major event is... let's just keep it as 'larger'. The events spreading out scrunch back together eventually making a major event, which is where I'm sending them. This whole Nitori incident is actually one of the most major of those events in history, meaning I don't have to search _every possible outcome_ for Nitori, which is good since there's billions. I can only really send people to major events accurately. It's like trying to shoot a bow at a tiny target versus a massive target. You're probably going to hit the big one, if it's not garunteed."

"Right, right... but is anything affected by our travels?"

"Yes. I'll have to use another metaphor, though. So imagine an ant farm. You know how the tunnels intersect and all that? Every time we go somewhere, we're making or following a tunnel. And other timelines have made some before us, too. We can easily go back once a tunnel's there. Heck, we can contact other timelines through those, sometimes. But the reason I used an ant farm as a metaphor is that they intersect. A _lot_. Sending someone _through_ all these intersecting tunnels through one you've created is like a puzzle where you have to follow all these crazily intersecting lines to find your desired outcome, only it's much more dangerous... and much more difficult."

The doorbell rang. "Coming!" Satomi shouted, before she ran out into the hallway towards the front door.

"This is kind of... really complicated. And I've never _heard_ of atoms." Marisa sighed. "Though that's likely because I was trained as a magician rather than a scientist."

"Basically, they're really tiny things that make up everything," Hina said.

"Sounds like Shinmyoumaru, honestly. The liar still owes me-"

"The food's here," Satomi called.

"No, no... everything's made up by _them_!" Hina said.

"What? They made _me_ up? No, I'm sure I'm real."

"Marisa!"

"Hina!"

 _And, as such, their argument lasted for about fifteen more minutes before Yukari and Cirno came back._

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	17. An Apology

I'm so, so sorry.

It turned edgy. And then shipping happened.

So... I guess I should explain that and the lack of updates.

So, first off, the edgy part was just an idea I had, like the rest of the series, that I grafted on to the story in an attempt to continue it.

Honestly, I'm getting a little bit tired of writing this, but I sure as hell am going to finish it.

The reason I haven't written any more chapters is simply because of the fact that I had no ideas that seemed to fit. But, thanks to a conveniently timed vacation, now I have one, and I'll be wrapping up the series within three chapters.

I am also currently on Hawaii time now so that happened also.

Anyhow, I'll probably have a chapter out by today or possibly tomorrow. I apologize for the wait and the edgy trash.


	18. Reimu is not a fine gentleman

_Author's Note: Well, here's the second to last chapter of Yukari is a Fine Gentleman, if everything goes according to plan. It's been a bit of a crazy journey, especially for me as the writer of this madness, but we're getting to the end. I present to you: Reimu is not a fine gentleman. Half story, half light-hearted nonsense to make up for the edgy chapters. Enjoy!_

Utsuho looked around her. Gensokyo was not looking even close to what she'd remembered. Yukari's mansion was gone. The power plants were missing. The Human Village looked... Well, it looked sort of the same, but smaller.

She was slightly startled by this, but remembered she was in a separate timeline. She began flying off the top of the hill she'd arrived on. She looked around and saw many things she'd thought were long gone. The Road of Reconsideration. Yuuka's garden. She was shocked to see the Hakurei shrine as well.

"Shocked?" asked Reimu from behind her. "You are from another timeline, after all. This must be pretty new for you."

Utsuho spun around. "Reimu? I mean... How did you know?"

"Same way I can detect Yukari opening gaps. It's pretty obvious, too. It's just another border that you're breaking, so it's more or less the same." Reimu sighed. "So I'm dead in your timeline, too..."

Utsuho frowned. "While I am sort of repeating myself... How did you know?"

"As I mentioned, while Yukari can break and bend borders, I can see through them if they've been broken." Reimu smiled. "Isn't that a useful power? I gained it recently through Magic Week. In any case, I have a few things I need to tell you about the origin of yours."

Utsuho, still shocked, began to listen to Reimu.

"One day. Yukari visited the shrine and asked me if I wanted to try this thing she'd learned about from the outside world. Something about role playing... In any case, I was bored and agrees. So we had a mock battle. I recall that whoever lost would owe the other a few fig trees. I won, and Yukari gapped a few fig trees my way. In your universe, apparently I lost, and then exploded due to Yukari breaking the border between being made of antimatter and not being made of antimatter, specifically mine, for... Some reason." Reimu sighed. "She got WAY too into the gentleman thing over in your timeline and now Gensokyo just thinks it's normal. But over here, things are different. Every week, Yukari invites everyone over to Mayohiga and holds a vote on the roleplaying topic for the week. There's always some odd ones that get rejected, but I think the most successful were probably Science Week and Magic Week. She always breaks some borders and makes it pretty great. On Science Week, we learned your exact memory span over here. On Magic Week, I gained this power through extensive testing. Usually everyone gets bored by Wednesday and stops, except for Yukari."

Utsuho stopped for a moment to take this in. "So... The way everyone in Gensokyo has been living..."

"It's all one of Yukari's practical jokes, but it's been taken way too far." Reimu nodded. "Sorry about that. We've got the means to get through timelines, although we've never really used them, but I had no idea my fight with Yukari would change that much, or I would have intervened."

Utsuho frowned. "Wow... Anyways, I'm after Nitori. She's been messing up timelines to gain power and whatnot."

Reimu smiled and took out a pipe from a pocket on her outfit that Utsuho hadn't noticed beforehand. "Never fear, Inspector Reimu is here! It's Detective Week, as it happens." She blew some bubbles from the pipe, before laughing at Utsuho's shocked expression. "Well, as far as finding someone when Yukari's manipulating the border between obvious and complex... It's elementary, my dear Okuu."

Utsuho sighed. "I never should have stopped working the reactor..."

 **Meanwhile, in the Scarlet Devil Mansion's basement**

Sakuya sighed. "Mistress, to put this bluntly... This is really stupid."

"Good, good, Sakuya! This week shall teach you how to be direct!" Flandre shouted. "Then you can tell Big Sis that she's a smelly weakling fish for me without putting it politely!"

Yukari leaned out of a gap next to them. "I'm bored... This was a terrible idea, you're all just standing around like usual..."

"Unlike you, we have things to do besides plot a grand future for Gensokyo." Sakuya sighed. "Honestly, must you really bother us?"

"Oh, you tell her, Saku!" Flandre said. "That's what I'm looking for!"

Yukari sat up straight in her gap. "Fine, fine... I'll leave. Maybe SOMEBODY is enjoying Detective Week around here."

"Oh, Yukari. Perfect." Nitori materialized out of thin air next to her gap. "Good to see you. I'm a Nitori from an alternate dimension bent on gaining power and destroying the world."

Yukari's face lit up. "That's absolutely perfect."

 **Meanwhile in the Forest of Magic**

"It seems this Nitori left her footprints in this conveniently placed snow... Almost as if she WANTED us to go here..." Reimu looked up and was startled at what she saw. "Professor Marisiarty!"

Marisa sighed. "Reimu, I'm not doing Detective Week. It's really, really dumb. If you're looking for Nitori, she went to the river as usual."

Utsuho nodded. "She knows what she's talking about."

"Oh, hush. It's fun if you try it." Reimu said. "Seriously, though? That's really boring."

Utsuho had already begun walking to the river.

"Hey, wait up!" Reimu called after her.

A few minutes after they'd left and Marisa had gone to pick mushrooms, Yukari and Nitori popped their heads out of a gap.

"Ignoring the obvious plot holes..." Nitori giggled, a white aura of power beginning to surround her. "They never even questioned the OC back in the Datum... Pathetic. Now I'm more powerful than ever before."

Yukari yawned. "Can you get on with it? Armageddon Week... No, Armageddon Day won't wait, and I need to hire some zombie fairies, so we shouldn't just stand around here."

 **Meanwhile, at the river**

"Nope, sorry. Nitori isn't here, she just left," Aya said. "She said she was going to get some scrap from Kourindou."

"Curses! We were too late!" Reimu said.

"Umm... Reimu..." Aya sighed. "Nobody's really getting into Detective Week. It's just...kind of boring. I mean, it's basically just what you do when solving incidents only it takes longer. Unless Yukari just pulls some new incident out of her dress or something, I'm out. I think most of Gensokyo is with me on that."

Reimu nodded. "I guess you're right. I was only really doing it because I thought other people would enjoy it... But I guess not, huh?" She was about to take the pipe out of her mouth when she was interrupted.

"Attention, everyone!" Yukari's voice boomed from above. "Since nobody seems to be enjoying Detective Week, I've got a new, one day only theme. Wave goodbye to detectives, and say hello to the end of every single world! That's right, it's Armageddon Day, and not only will our timeline be playing, but EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! And let's give a warm welcome to another universe's Nitori, who has gained enough power to destroy every single timeline to ever exist in a single attack if nobody stops her! I'll see you at the top of the tower!"

Reimu, Aya, and Utsuho were quiet for a while, before Aya said, "Wait... What tower?" She immediately regretted her words as she saw a giant tower rise out of the ground in the center of Gensokyo.

Behind the group, a flash of light signaled the appearance of other timeline hoppers. "Utsuho?" Satomi's voice said from behind her.

Utsuho turned and saw not just Satomi, but two Cirnos, one of which was in a suit of mech armor, two Yukaris, two Hinas, two Marisas, another Satomi with dark circles under her eyes, and another Utsuho.

"We might have a bit of a problem..." Satomi said.

 **To Be Continued**


	19. Yukari is an apocalyptic gentleman

**Author's Note:** Yes. It's finally here. I was deliberating for a while on how to finish this series. I wanted to go for a five-chapter arc… and considering the dynamic between the characters, there's going to be a _lot_ of talking. So, without further ado, I present the prelude to the final story arc, Yukari is an Apocalyptic Gentleman!

* * *

"Oh, dear gods, what now?" Satomi-U02 asked. "First the whole timeline instability thing… now this… are your QPUs misaligned?"

Satomi rolled her eyes. "No memes, please."

"The world's ending, and all we can do is bicker..." Marisa sighed. "I'd make a joke, but this really isn't funny. Plus, why's Nitori trying to kill everyone anyways?"

"We could ask someone, maybe..." Hina said. "Er, other Hina, what do you think?"

Hina-U01 nodded. "That's probably the best idea. But, even so, we retrieved _our_ Nitori so I personally probably won't be able to help much."

Yukari frowned. "All right, everyone," she said. "Let's do a quick universe roll-call. Let's begin with... U02?"

"Here. Both me and science girl," Cirno-U02 said. Her armor clanked as she saluted.

"Okay. U01?"

"Here," Hina-U01 called. "And Yukari-U01, but you already know that, don't you..."

"EME01?"

"Marisa the memelord, calling in!" Marisa-EME01 called. "Prepare for trouble and make it double!"

"And Q05."

Utsuho-Q05 nodded. Her mind was clearly not into the conversation, quite literally. Her soul had floated about fifteen feet away. "Here."

"Okay." Yukari nodded. "Now, Datum Satomi, explain how we all got here. I still don't get it myself."

As Satomi began speaking, Satomi-U02 interrupted. "To put it simply enough, we traveled through too many timelines and got our QPUs mixed up."

"Wait, that wasn't a reference to that outside world game's 'parallel universes'?" Satomi asked. "Huh."

"No. It stands for Quantum Positioning Unit, not Quad Parallel Universes." Satomi-U02 sighed. "Let me do this, please. Anyways, it's basically a 'home' coordinate that makes travel in a certain direction easier, specifically towards home. However, Nitori… I assume, anyways, caused a massive space-time ripple thing to flop us here."

"That sounds like movie science," Marisa-EME01 said.

"That's because it is," Satomi-U02 responded. "At least, the terminology is. I stole it from a U02 movie. Propaganda for Okuu, of course. But anyways, it's _much_ more complex than that, but considering we've got two Cirnos..."

Cirno-U02 glared. "Screw you. I never liked your science anyways. You're just Satomi Kawashiro the Science Kappa, anyways."

"You… you… _tsundere_. You _know_ I hate being called a kappa, too, especially after the Iron Tower Incident." Satomi-U02's hands began to glow. "Do you want me to pry you out of that metal can, so you can go and-"

"BAHAHAHAHA!" Cirno laughed. "Can, so you can? Tha'… tha's a good one."

"Everyone, settle down!" Yukari shouted. "I know you all have differences, but we have wasted too much time. Here's what we'll do. We shall group up with our doppelgangers, and each fight Nitori in turn. Unless I am mistaken, at least one of us will obtain 'plot armor' by the end."

Satomi-U02 clapped. "You've learned the rules narrative causality quite well. So, yeah. We just have to not die, or worse, get sent to the Shadow Realm if the extra-dimensional demons known only as the Fourth Children get their hands on our universe, and wait for the Main Character effect to kick in. I suggest going in alphabetical order, personally."

Both Cirnos sighed simultaneously.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me!" Marisa-EME01 said, jumping up and down. "I had an idea for our team name!"

"Yes?" Satomi-U02 replied.

"The Time Bandits. I think it's fitting"

"Well..." Satomi-U02 said. "You aren't _wrong._ "

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Tune in next time for something not written late at night!

Presumably, the Cirno Squad will fight Nitori!

However that'll work…

since I made Nitori omnipotent…

um

whoops?


End file.
